M and D left for Seattle on Tuesday... so me and the dogs are on our onsies.... or i guess threesies again.... this having a job thing is for the birds when mom and dad are jet setting it and I am sitting at a desk while they eat seafood and go to one of my fav places in the world. im jealous x I think they should go a little further north and visit vancouver or whistler mountain or somat x

x

i think that the fact that i wake every morning with a swear word on my lips and my fist raised in defiance to the world (the bird ("but that doesn't look like a bird... this looks more like a bird" ) is inseparably connected to my attitude... so i guess maybe I have a really, REALLY bad attitude... about life, love, and everything really. And I am trying to work on it... (no promises). But I have to say that I would like to wake up one morning someday and not feel like the ceiling has fallen on me and have a nice word for the day instead of a defiant one... and maybe then my gesture will appear more like an actual bird :)

I went to dentist today for just a routine cleaning... but how do you feel about the dental technician flirting with you when you are getting your teeth cleaned??? I am not so comfortable with it... at all... and I wasn't just hallucinating it via nitrose oxide... it was real, and real creepy. and my next point is connected to it....

why... when some people (and by some people I mean almost ALWAYS MEN)  find out how old I am and that I don't have children and have never been married do they usually ask me this question.... "Didn't you ever WANT to have kids?" "Did you not WANT to be married?"........ IS. THIS. REALLY. A. NORMAL. QUESTION.??!! And why would you just assume that those things are something that I didn't want??? And I am raising this point because it is a question i get ALL THE TIME... not just once in a blue moon. So WHAT. THE. HECK?! I think i might sort of understand the question if I was some kind of successful business woman or person of note, fame and/or glory... but I have a crap job, i am not in the profession that I trained for and am a nobody... so you cant assume that I chose a successful career over a family life.... I suppose someone could think that I chose education over 'a life'... but who does that? 'yeah I gave up a husband and kids so I could go into massive amounts of debt and work at a job that has nothing to do with my education and pays me less than a college graduate... yep, that was WAY more important to me..." FOR THE LOVE. FOR THE LOVE.

Also... I am not lying to you when I tell you that every first date I have been on for YEARS now has included these questions.... EVERY ONE.

So at this point you are asking..."jenn.... I thought you were working on the attitude?" well...... working at it does not always produce immediate results.... especially when you are surrounded by idiots. and really what was i supposed to say.... he was working on my teeth... for the love.... and even if he wasn't... what does a person say to these questions... I am usually just honest... which makes me sound really picky and maybe a bit stuck up... but maybe I will start coming up with really clever answers or ones that make them feel the way they make me feel when they ask the questions.... maybe that is what I will work on instead of my attitude.

So I guess for now I will continue to greet the day with a bird and a word x

can you guess which one?

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.”
Charles R. Swindoll

"Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom."

"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

“The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose ones attitude in any given circumstance.”
Viktor E. Frankl

i have some work to do.......
X

sorry K, that this is so late in the evening on your special day... I had to work super late... they have me doing my job, other peoples jobs and training for a new job.. all at the same time and then I had to come home and scrubb a dubb dubb the house cos M and D come home tomorrow morning while I am at work.... sometimes there aren't enough hours in the day... I am exhausted really x

but......
HHAAAAAAAPPPPYYYYYYYYYYY BIRFFFFFFDAAAAAAAAAY XXXXXXXXX

I hope you have gotten my emails and texts and photos that I have sent through the day.

here you are the day you were born... so cuties and little...

I have only been able to meet 2 of my nieces and nephews on the day they were born and you are one of them!!! I was so glad to be able to be there to welcome you to the world and to the family
and your big sister was excited too.

you have grown so much this year and have begun to develop the cutest personality.... I cannot wait to see all that you will learn this year and all the things you will learn to do that will make me laugh and bring me so much joy

Love you Little Kaija x x x x x kisses and hugs for your birthday x x x x x x
I miss you very much and wish we lived closer together all the time OOOO XXXX

So GREAT day for team USA! goooooo ooooooooossssssaaaaaaaaa!!! Shaun White never fails to impress.

HORRIBLE day for the Ducks I don't even want to talk about it really... I was in love with LeMichael James... he was my favorite Duck I am so disappointed... and yet... it is what I am coming to expect really. enough.

here are some pics from Boisie's B-day weekend that I have been meaning to post so you can see it and her party/super bowl party x I hope your guys' super bowl p-narty was fun too.

Love you Bozie xx

Mom and Dad come home Friday... seems like they have been gone forever. will be nice to have someone in the house at night besides me, dogs and family ghosts....

x

I think it may be time to add something new to my life. Working full time and going to night classes is starting to feel normal and routine. I hate that feeling that my life is just one never ending cycle of nothings. New classes? Join a club? Start training for the sprint tri I have been threatening to do for years now??? As soon as it is the season I want to get in a Kayaking class/club. (Gotta learn to eskimo roll.) I just don't like falling into a routine... it just heightens the feeling that I am sleepwalking through my life and not really living anymore.

I would follow through on my threat to be a roady for Tool but I am sad to say that i find myself so not attracted to Maynard if I could close my eyes and hear that voice but picture it coming from someone else's face.... what a pity. really.

Maybe I will start training to be an Olympic snowboarder I could probably do better in the snowboard cross than Lindsey Jacobellis. Ha. (I REALLY want some of those snowboarding trousers the US team are wearing.. the ones that look like jeans.. soooooo cool.) but OMG Shaun White can FLY... he is freaking SUPERMAN!!!!

i will stop rambling now.... you are probs thinking what I am... get some more in your life Jenn.... GET a freaking life!

k.

x

"he's Johnny Mosely..... going 'round the world on a never ending dinn-er rolllll...." I forgot how nice he is to look at... and did you catch the men's moguls tonight??? WOW!!!! AND tomorrow is snowboarding cross!!! One of my favs!!

seeing winter Olympics is making me miss the good old times of working the SLC games... you know working for the VIPs and the IOC as well as for the SLOC in the VCC doing the PBC trying to get on NBC to prove I know my ABCs.... or somat like that :) good times really, what an amazing experience. Id love to do that again. Maybe I should volunteer for the XXX Olympiad to be held in LONDON that would be so fun to be apart of a summer games!!!

also... I always forget what a nice fit young man Apollo Ohno is... and he is a Seattle boy to boot... mmmmmm. and I can NOT watch that sport sitting down.. makes me so nervous! but i LOVES it x

a sad commentary on the state of me....

I can't even count the number of times Sailor and Gus have "pantsed me"!!!! Seriously, Sailor has been doing in since a puppy and must have given Gus a crash course in the technique... they seem to know exactly when and where to step on the leg of my jeans or trousers while I am in motion resulting in what I can only suppose is their desired effect of leaving me standing there with said article of clothing around my ankles and in a very compromised position.... I say it is calculated because they are sooooo good at it and I swear every time it happens that I can hear Sailor giggling under her breath and when my back is turned I can hear the faint sound of a very furry high five!!!!

X

The stars lean down to kiss you,
And I lie awake I miss you.
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere.
'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly,
But I'll miss your arms around me.
I'd send a postcard to you dear,
'Cause I wish you were here.

I watch the night turn light blue.
But it's not the same without you,
Because it takes two to whisper quietly,
The silence isn't so bad,
Till I look at my hands and feel sad,
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly.

I'll find repose in new ways,
Though I haven't slept in two days,
'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone.
But drenched in Vanilla twilight,
I'll sit on the front porch all night,
Waist deep in thought because when I think of you.
I don't feel so alone.

As many times as I blink I'll think of you... tonight.
I'll think of you tonight.

When violet eyes get brighter,
And heavy wings grow lighter,
I'll taste the sky and (maybe) feel alive again.
And (maybe) I'll forget the world that I knew,
But I swear I won't forget you,
Oh if my voice could reach back through the past,
I'd whisper in your ear,
Oh darling I wish you were here.

Last night I dreamt I was back in Newcastle, back at Burt Hall. I was surrounded by my friends and we were laughing and laughing. We were in the studio and we were working on paintings and we laughed and took breaks and we laughed and we walked to our science classes and laughed. We went to Starbucks on campus and we sat and laughed. We sat on our stoop and we were laughing. It was so comfortable and happy. It all felt so good and easy. And after the day was through we went to the pub and we talked and talked and we laughed and laughed… and someone said my hair was beautiful and kept running their fingers through my hair…. I am not sure about that last bit…. I guess that part proves that it was a dream because that part was a bit weird and to my best recollection I don’t remember that ever happening in a pub ☺ maybe my mind just added that part because I love having my hair played with and it was the only thing missing from an otherwise amazing dream… or was it a memory?

So I woke up smiling for the first time in ages… I usually wake up with a swear word on my lips and my hand automatically in the air and forming ‘the bird’ to the day…really, its true, the actual 'bird'… but today I woke feeling happy and then I realized… it was only a dream and it was like a ton of bricks fell on me in my bed….. OUCH!!! (And then the swear word came and out came ‘the bird’… two handed and waving.)

It is crazy how much I still miss my life at the BH, the studio, the work, the purpose, the feeling that I was working towards a goal that I wanted SO badly, the close, close friends, the adventure of it all, the laughing, laughing, laughing…. REAL laughing, the kind where you can’t breath and it hurts your stomach muscles and it even makes you cry. I still miss it so, so, so much. I miss every part of it. I even miss the hard parts because the hard parts made the good parts that much better… I miss waking up and being soooo excited for the day xx

How do you get over a life you loved so much? How do you say its ok to not have that life anymore… is it insane that I am having such a hard time letting it go??? HOW DO YOU???? HOW?

X

I am going to try and have that dream again
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