Happy Birthday my sister x

I thought Id do a little somat different this year…
I have been looking at some if the photo albums and found some very cute and fun pics of a wee boisie x

I think it is funny to see how much she looks like Beans in some pics and how much she looks like Coby in some… those kids are defo hers x

The new arrival x

heheheheee

Jacoby in a dress???? or Boisie????

Jenny Lake… look at Sean looking at Boisie

Gorgeous bride

gorgeous sister

I love you Boisie…
you know what you do and you know how important you are to me….
I am so grateful
x

happy birthday my sister
x

Ernest Hemingway wrote years ago something that resonates with me: “Isn’t it pretty to think so.”

For me these words apply to those situations where we imagine the reality to be quite different than it actually is.

Perhaps our imagination concocts for us a protective strategy. A strategy where imagination and repainting the situation in our minds as a nicer picture than it is, is a way for our hearts and minds to save themselves from the hurt of how things really are. Maybe we do this because we couldn’t “handle the truth”… not really. It would utterly destroy us… to know how it really, really is.

I know this is how my mind works. And maybe why I continually find myself ‘shocked’ at where I have found myself… because I allowed and allow myself to make pretty ideas in my head… pretty excuses, pretty reasons for choices, pretty meanings out of pretty lies… and I think I still do it… I think I will always do it… I have to… to protect my heart and my head and my soul.

Isn’t it pretty to think so…. It may work for a while, but eventually don’t we have to come face to face with the brutal and so, so, so unkind truth? Don’t we??? Or is it even really possible to ever ‘know the truth’ of a situation that involves more than just you?? I don’t know. I don’t know a lot of things. But I do know that thinking the pretty things doesn’t keep the hurt from hurting or the destruction from happening… I do know that. It maybe prolongs it or something… again, I don’t know.. I am RAMBLING.. sorry. I am just thinking, thinking, thinking…. Need the outlet I guess….

Lonely.

X

Come on, my star is fading…
And I swerve out of control.
If I, if I’d only waited
I’d not be stuck here in this hole.

Come here, my star is fading…
And I swerve out of control.
And I swear I waited and waited
I’ve got to get out of this hole.

But time is on your side,
It’s on your side now…
Not pushing you down and all around no
It’s no cause for concern.

Come on, oh my star is fading…
And I see no chance of release.
And I know I’m dead on the surface…
But I am screaming underneath.

And time is on your side,
It’s on your side now…
Not pushing you down and all around, no
It’s no cause for concern.

Stuck on the end of this ball and chain
And I’m on my way back down again.
Stood on a bridge tied to a noose….
Sick to the stomach.
You can say what you mean
But it won’t change a thing
I’m sick of the secrets.
Stood on the edge, tied to the noose
You came along and you cut me loose.

Mom and Dad are going to Hawaii this week. Well, they leave this week, but will be gone for 15 whole days. I am very excited for them because I know they will have a nice time and that it will be warm and sunny and the opposite of here right now. But I am also sad for me because it means i will be all by my onsies in this big house for 2 whole weeks and you know I think that the house it haunted… I am quite nervous about it. I will have the 2 dogs to keep me company but it isn’t the same as having someone to talk to when i get home from work and school… someone to keep me from getting too far into my own head… But they will have fun :) the air will be warm and will smell of flowers and fruit and they will swim in the sea. and have UV continually shinning on their happy spots and they will see whales jumping… they love that.

Amsterdam, Coldplay

I know I don’t talk about it much… really at all. I keep so much of this inside because it is so hard for me and hurts so much. but it has been 4 months today. 4 months from one of the hardest days of my life and the hardest choices I have ever had to make. and it doesn’t feel like so long ago to me. for me it feels like yesterday and like nothing has changed… nothing but the feelings getting harder and worse. and for others everything has changed. and I imagine that for them everything is better, easier and happier, with much to celebrate. and I suppose 2 people out of 3 being VERY happy is better than no one being happy. and just one of the three of us being heartbroken is pretty good odds.
And for me I see no chance of release. And I know I’m dead on the surface but I am screaming underneath…

And i am sorry if some of you worry because I don’t talk. But it hurts and it is humiliating… and so much more that I cant even begin to describe. and I am embarrassed that I still struggle so so much with all of it when… I am so obviously easy to get over and to forget…
that is enough of that.

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands
Closed your eyes and trusted
Just trusted?
Have you ever thrown a fistful of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, “I just don’t care”?
It’s only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg,
The sun before the burn,
The thunder before the lightning,
The breath before the phrase….
Have you ever felt this way?
Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone…
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you’re not alone?
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?
It’s only half past the point of oblivion…
The hourglass on the table,
The walk before the run,
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames…
Have you ever felt this way?
There you are
Sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee
Calling me (your love).
You called me (your love).
Have you ever wished for an endless night…
Lassoed the moon and the stars
And pulled that rope tight?
Have you ever held your breath
And asked yourself, “Will it ever get better than tonight?”

2 weeks and 4 months
x