First... Happy Birthday to my little birdie.... who giggles (still) everytime I ask him, 'are you a bird?' 

You are gonna be a heartbreaker..... stunner x

I love your blue eyes and I love your giggle and I love love LOVE the way you say "F'zeeee" when you say my name. You are a happy boy and I am so glad to get to be your auntie xx

And to my Twitty-bird....

When I was a young 'un with 2 little brothers I really really wanted a sister... bad. and i couldnt have asked for a better one. From the day you came to my life you have been a buddy, a pal, a strength, a friend, a doll to dress up, a gal to share shoes with, a confidant, a person to laugh with and a compassionate shoulder to cry on. You have been patient with me through some tough, tough times in the last several years and never seem to be impatient with my stupid choices or my lack of ability to 'get over stuff'... you just care and worry and listen (if I am ever willing to talk) and you haven't passed judgment or made me feel stupid even though I make myself feel stupid everyday.... you have been a sister from the day you were born in every sense of the word... and I am so so so lucky. And i know it. I am sorry if I have been so self consumed that I have forgotten to be a better sister to you cos I love you and appreciate you and am in awe of all your talents and skills and abilities xx

Thanks for being my sister and my friend x Love you x

Sorry if you hate this pic.... it is just so you, Mel.... smiling through your tears.... you are a tough girl... tougher than you know... I am proud of you and I envy you x I just love you so so sooooo pieces xx

...and I think you are gorgeous xx

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TWITTY BIRD AND JACOBY BIRD

XXXXXXXX

It feels like summer maybe has finally arrived.... I say this with caution and care... as I seem to have a gift for jinxing shtuff....

We have planted some flower "pops" this weekend...

Played some ball... Jacoby now knows what to do with a football... "off the head, off the chest, off the knees, off the feet... NOT off the hands... unless you are the keeper..." he is getting it... but still calls it soccer....

we have sidewalk chalked...

I am pretty bummed about my two teams going out of the World Cup... preeeeettty bummmmmed. And now I am at a loss as to who to cheer for. Usually I end up routing for Italy... gone. So... maybe the men in Orange... or perhaps since the part of me that isn't of English/Scottish ancestry... the part that is Germanic... will lead me to join Dad is cheering for his favorite team... though I do have a hard time cheering for the the team that ousted mine... but they did play well today, they really did. I woke up really early this morning to watch the tragedy unfold... ugh. 

The weather has been so nice it is making it hard to face going into work tomorrow... Id rather spend time running in the sun, working in garden, playing with dogs and kids and/or in the studio... I have some stuff just begging for my time and attention!! But I gots to pay the government... so I will go.... to work that is.

Tomorrow is Mel and Jacoby's day.....

Been beating my body into the ground trying to feel better... at least keeping my mind on the pain Im inflicting on my body makes me think about a different kind of pain for a while.... who am I kidding, no it doesnt. nothing does. it is always always always there.

I took Gussy running with me the night before last... he is a good running partner. He is good for me because to keep him going without stopping to sniff absolutely everything I have to pick up my pace... and not stop... so I ran some pretty fast miles. Chris is a good running partner as well... He sings to me as we run...I wonder how many ab crunches he has to do to have a stomach like that??? Yummy Mr. Cornell.

This morning I woke up to Gussy snugged up tight to me on the bed. I was awakened because Sailor was not happy about it and was barking in defiance of the situation... it was 5:30am... I said, 'shut it leslie!" and went back to sleep. When my alarm went off at 6:45am I found myself in the middle of a Newfie sandwich... Gus was tucked up to my back and to my surprise Sailor was snuggled up to my tummy with her head flopped under my chin... I know some people don't allow dogs in the house and especially not on the bed... but to me there are few things better than a dog loving you so much that they want to be touching you even while they are asleep. Maddy slept with me every night of her life that we were together... she always wanted to be so close to me that sometimes she was literally on top of me. That was SaySay and Gussy this morning and when I woke up they didn't jump down, they just snuggled in tighter for some cuddles and scratches. I am glad that they love me... good thing since they will be my adopted babies for the next year... or so.  

Since leaving England I have often had a reoccurring nightmare that I left Maddy in England... I had that dream again the other night... It is a bad feeling and then kinda worse when I realize I didn't leave her. I still miss that dog everyday.

I am nervous for tomorrow... I don't want the US to get ousted by Ghana. (I was so late for work on Wednesday I was watching the game while I got ready for work... and when that shot by Donovan went in at the 91st minute I was jumping around the family room in my towel surrounded by 2 dogs who were as excited as me but they didn't really know why!! I was so excited I was nearly in tears :) I bet it was a funny site....) I also don't want England to get ousted by Germany on Sunday... Still cant believe that France and Italy are gone. Both in round 1!! I wont pretend to be sad about the French but I am sorry the Azuli are gone. Wimbledon has been pretty exciting as well...  

I guess we will have to cheer extra hard Saturday and Sunday... Haway the 3 Lions!!!! and USA! USA! USA!

Just spent my entire lunchbreak on the phone with th US government. Been working on figuring out my student loans.

Between two years of horrifically expensive education... Requiring 4 different government loans, plus 2 different private loans.. Plus the debt accrued from buying 6 months of very expensive train tickets and living in England on part time wages and other times no wages at all... I am officially totally screwed.

I owe so many entities so much money it feels like prison except in prison you get 3 square meals a day. And right now I am having a very difficult time seeing the upside to all of it. (Or really seeing in general cos I cant stop crying )  and because I'm looking at those 3+ years and thinking 'what did I come away with?' .... a degree I don't get to use, skills I love but that aren't marketable at the moment, a job I don't need a degree to do, and a heart broken into so many tiny pieces there isn't enuf left to count....

So. You tell me, was it worth it? I don't know anymore.

I don't know.

Funny that I am actually in the US of A this year and I still am far away from my dad on his day... but he gets to be with Sean and his family and they get to go to a baseball game.. what could be more fitting for his day?

I was sitting in church today all by my onsies and thinking about a past fathers day when i was sitting in church with dad next to me and he showed me the cover of the day's program and asked what I thought would be a more fitting cover for the program on a father's day... something that would honor fathers and yet honor the spririt of the meeting. That is when I drew the picture that he has framed in his office of his hands holding the scriptures. I was thinking today and wondering why I chose to draw hands... father's hands... what do father's hands do? what has our father's hands done?

In our family and our lives in most cases our father's hands got to help bring us into this world in the delivery room with mom, his hands held us as he gave us each a name and blessing as we began our lives, his hands have thrown countless baseballs and footballs and frizbees and have caught fly balls for his sons... our dad's hands have been worn by years and years of serving others by being a Dr. and performing surgeries, his hands have made beautiful jewelry for us, at times his hands have crossed paths with our bums... a fitting and justified reaction to having thrown your little sister down a stairwell, really his hands have quietly calmed a shaking knee as one of us were waiting for our turn to speak, dance, pitch, go off to college, or whatever... his hands have at times been our strength when all of ours is gone... a vivid day in Edinburgh in December 2008 comes to my mind... Our father's hands have blessed us in every way. 

Our father's hands have been supporting, sustaining, upholding, healing and blessing my life from the moment I entered it. And I am so lucky and so grateful. 

and today as i was being set apart as the 1st councelor in the Young Women's Presidency all I could think when the blessing began was that i wished it was my father's hands on my head to give the blessing... and that I will miss him so so so much when he is far FAR away in China soon. But I also know from experience that even when he and his hands are far away from me i can still feel them supporting, sustaining, upholding, healing and blessing my life across time and space and through all eternity xx Just like the bears in Yellowstone... you may not always see them.... but they are there... so is he. 

Thanks Dad x

I love you so much

Happy Father's Day.... you are the best one I know

x

totally and completely exhausted....

event. done. fireworks. over. me. dead.

and mom and dad to airport early in the morning for me.... but :) for Sean and Lindsay and for Joss and Kaija and for M and D...

What had all the potential to be an amazing world cup day sorta fizzled, dont ya think???  

completely dull England game, eh? what has Rooney the Thug all of the sudden become the invisible man??? I swear Becks does more for the team sat on the bench with a swanky suit on and gel in his hair than old potato face does on the field... (well... he (Becks) does more for me that is for sure ) Great players... some of the best in the world... not a great team haway the lads!!!! play together men.... DO SOMMAT!

sad state of affairs for the USA... that 3rd and winning goal should have been ours... cheated... its almost as if we had been playing Portugal we were so cheated... hate those b@*$#&@s We really need to win that next game!!!

and Germany.... I am surprised. huh.

 and because I worked 14 hours today (cant wait to see THAT paycheck) I didn't get to run or workout today and I feel it... I feel lots happier after Boisie (or I) have pounded me into the ground... therapeutic x a healthier form of self abuse than i have heretofore chosen....

I am not a happy camper today. Totally and completely discouraged. I worked really REALLY hard. And now I dont even know if I will get a chance... and as usual, it is something completely out of my control. nothing to be done.

nothing.

so i guess i will be this for the rest of.... EVER.

I painted your room at midnight
So I'd know yesterday was over
I put all your books on the top shelf
Even the one with the four leaf clover

Man, I'm getting older
I took all your pictures off the wall
And wrapped them in a newspaper blanket
I haven't slept in what seems like a century
And now I can barely breathe

Just like a crow chasing the butterfly
Dandelions lost in the summer skies
When you and I were getting high as outer space
I never thought you'd slip away
I guess I was just a little too late

Your words still serenade me
Your lullabies won't let me sleep
I've never heard such a haunting melody
Oh, it's killing me
You know I can barely breathe

Just like a crow chasing the butterfly
Dandelions lost in the summer skies
When you and I were getting high as outer space
I never thought you'd slip away
I guess I was just a little too late

darn fates and darn time and darn everything... F.

Tonight on my run there were the most beautiful clear skies and even at 9pm there was still light in the Western sky... and the moon was my favorite... a crescent moon, a sliver of silver in an intensely blue sky and a planet was shining very brightly just above and to the right of it. it was beautiful. probably the second most beautiful moon I have ever seen.

I will never get tired of looking at the night sky. it holds so many mysteries and untold beauty and glory. I love it. i would have taken a picture if my phone wasn't broken and i could have uploaded it.... if Xanga didn't SUCK!!!!

Our Big client appreciation night is coming up on Friday... it is a bit of a stress because it is the first major corporate event that I have been in charge of... scary. i hope it goes smooooothly Dad says get enough beers in our clients and they won't care about anything else probably true. The weather is supposed to be good with temps in the 80s lets hope. Maybe if you get enough beers in ME I wont care about anythings else... LOL x

allergies are in full force... we are all sneezing and wheezing and huffing and puffing on our inhalers... the price you pay for summer deciding to finally show up i guess. I guess i am willing to pay it for some sunshine..

I am gonna watch some Nederlandische footy before going to sleepytown and then maybe I will dream of the Oranje or Becks will do, Becks will do quite nicely really xx

XX THANK YOU LINDSAY XX THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!! XX

wow. WOW. huh. Germany is a very VERY VEEEERRRRYYYY tight squad. What precision and grace. Poor Socceroos. But well done Deutschland. and very fun to watch, if a little uncomfortable to watch for Australia's sake x

and.... I am no longer the SS teacher for the 16-17 year olds... dun dun dun. I have a new responsibility that I have NEVER had before and I  must admit... I am a bit terrified. and intimidated. and at a loss. not even sure what will be expected of me yet... we shall see...

I have stayed up too late watching footy and still have some stuff to finish up before sleepytime and I am soo tired I just want to be asleep. even though I had baaaaad dreams last night and hope I dont end up there again.

xx 

Saturday was a sports dream!!!

The morning was spent at the NCAA National Championship track meet watching some of the fastest young men and women on the PLANET. All in Tracktown USA U of O made a good show and in the overalls the women's team came in second and men's team came in third. Saw Olympians and future Olympians do amazing things... and looking good while doing it I must say [would load pics if Xanga wasn't an absolute P.O.C.!!!! Am seriously so annoyed at no ability to load images, music or video!!!! :(:(]

and the sun has finally decided to make an apeparance and I am beginning to have faith that we may see a summer afterall

and then it was home to watch the USA v England game... and I personally could not have asked for a better outcome and here is why... 1) neither team beat the other so both have equal chances of advancing and as both teams are in my heart and mind "my team" I am happy about that. 2) both teams got a goal so that will be helpful if there is any questions about advancement 3) the score was not a blow out by either side... i am very grateful for that 4) there has been A LOT if trash talk coming from friends across the pond as well as people in the media about how the USA was in for a big surprise and was going to be "easily beaten 3-1" and yes, they did use the word 'easily' and for this reason i am glad that the US really held their own against a traditionally powerful team full of some of the worlds best players ... so mayyyyybe this will finally cause English supporters to recognize that the US actually has some skills with a football. I mean Donovan and Howard and all the boys have been playing since they were tiny... it isn't how it used to be. Our boys are now growing up with football and playing through school and college and Uni etc... and we have players on our team who play regularly for big International teams soooo....

Now.... I have been busy with church stuff all day and so I have not looked at any of the media coming out of England today, nor have I gotten any emails or checked facebook yet today to see what the general concensus is in England... and I can just hear the excuses flying and the blame being put on the keeper (poor Green)... and I can see the argument that the goal was allowed in because of a pretty big error by the keeper but I think it is also important to remember that England didnt get any more goals after that shocker in the 1st 15 mins... and that our keeper stopped some pretty amazing shots from the English side and that Green stopped some big attempts as well coming from the US...the number of shots on goal were pretty even and I really REALLY think the boys in blue held their own against the Lions. I am proud of them. And I am proud of the lads as well. It was always gonna be a hard game for me. So... happy I am with the score... now both teams need to go out and smash everyone else in their group so they can both advance!!!

and also... I am grateful that Becks was there for moral support on the bench with the English team.... and also... his hair looks goooooooooood.

xx

I have recorded the Germany game and will watch that later tonight I LOVE world cup time :):) x