July 27, 2010

• So I am guessing that it is obvious that I have been doing a lot of running... and for me running is truly a time for contemplation and self evaluation. It is a good time cos I can beat myself up mentally... but at the same time be beating myself up so much physically that it almost balances it all out... does that even make any sense??? i guess to me it does and that is what matters.

  SO... a lot of running means a lot of thinking... about bad choices and good ones and about how to improve and how to learn to be happy with my life as it is going to be.... and I have decided that life is a lot like running, for me anyway. At first I resist it... maybe dont even want to do it... leave it to the last minute but eventually I tie on my trainers and head out the door... the first 1/2 a mile always feels awkward to me... I'm tight and uncoordinated and it is a struggle to keep going and not turn around and go home... but I keep running... then things click a little more but things start to hurt and I stay tight... its uncomfortable and doesn't feel right or good... but I keep going... then it seems like movements become mechanical... like I am just going through the motions... one foot in front of the other because that is what i have told my legs to do... still doesn't feel good... in fact, unless it is hurting... I don't really feel anything but the pounding of the hard concrete as it vibrates through my bones.... step, step, step... then the side starts to cramp and the breathing gets a little harder... and I really want to give up... but I am so close to my goal for the day... cant give up now... ouch... ouch... OUCH.... then... magically... and for such a short amount of time... everything clicks... and things feel good and right and smooth and perfect (this is the part where the body has finally released the natural endorphins... natures pain killers..) and for a few seconds I think to myself "I AM A RUNNER!!!"... and then the legs feel like lead again, something starts to hurt and it starts all over again... but by then I am so close to home that I cant give up now... so i pound through the pain... til I cross the finish line... or have made it back home (same thing really, yeah?)

  so to me... running is life. sometimes its ackward and hard and things dont feel right... other times life hurts like hell... other brief magical moments feel like heaven and like everything is the way it should be (I find these moments do not last, just as they dont during my run) but they do spur me on... and help me to believe that there will be other times when things will feel right and okay again... and i will feel like a runner in my own life.... like the runner OF my own life... and it is those brief moments that keep me going through the hellish painful hurtful parts... spurring me on toward my goal... keeping me headed for the finish line, for home.

  I have also discovered that when running I sometimes have someone there with me, encouraging me and helping me keep a good pace... and other times I are the only motivation that I have... I have to be the one to get myself on the road and to keep myself on that road. Those times can be very lonely and and it can be very hard to keep focused... but they seem to be the times of greatest growth... cos when you are the one controlling your life... you are the one making the decisions and you are the one pushing yourself to be better and to be all you can be then you learn the most and become stronger. And of course this can be true for life... some people need someone with them always... encouraging, guiding, planning for them, making their choices for them... and others are lone wolves they pound out their lives all on their own... blazing their own trails... sometimes failing... and sometimes having no one to pick them up when they fall... but progressing, learning, growing stronger....

  "what does not kill me only makes me stronger..." 

  I am a runner. I will be the runner of my own life. I will not be controlled by others choices. Even if I am alone forever. I will be empowered. I will be strong. 

  • 3:13 am
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